Busy but inspired!

Just checking in and letting everyone know that I had my beautiful baby girl! Oct 14, 2013 was the lucky day :) Evelyn is now a big sister to miss Sophie Lillian. So excited. Will post my birth story soon. It was a good one!

Also now I am on BlogLovin and you can follow my blog! Find out when something new hits. Plus I am working on a page on Facebook. Hopefully I can get that up and running soon. All of this new stuff with a 2 week old? I am insane!

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A season for change…

As we enter into September (yes September!), I have been faced with MANY changes in many different ways. Firstly, the weather! Thank heavens for some cooler weather. This momma has been HOT! lol

Next, my body. Boy has it been a changin. I haven’t gained much weight, maybe 4lbs in  weeks. MAX. I think it is 3.2lbs in 8 weeks. Huge thing is baby. Baby is getting BIG! I’m not sure how far into October I can physically make it. I’m hoping for the 15th or later. Whenever baby girl is ready, though, I’m ready to meet her. Just have a few more things to get done before the big day!

And then there is Evelyn. We had a a day at the park yesterday. She was running around and being a big kid. It reminded me of when we took her to the same park a year ago. Holy cow. I found pictures and it is amazing to see how big she is! Plus she’s starting to talk more. She has figured out how to say some new words as well as learning her letters (sound and sight!).  Time is speeding up. The closer I get to my due date and the thought of a tiny newborn, the bigger Evelyn seems to get. And the quicker she grows! I feel like by the time the baby gets here, Evelyn will be driving! lol I am amazed at how smart Evelyn is. It happens over night. She just wakes up saying new things and doing new things. I love it! Big changes happening right before my eyes. Big changes on the horizon. Change is in the air. Literally.

Gender Reveal and Gestational Diabetes?!?

Well here I sit, Tuesday afternoon. Life is starting to get back to normal after planning and preparing for our big gender reveal party. We had a nice, small turnout. I was happy to have so much wonderful help and support. We were able to reveal to a crowd of our friends and family that we are expecting our second little girl in October. It was so much fun. But it comes with something not nearly as fun…the possibility I am to be diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I am kind of stressed out. I haven’ t had the easiest of pregnancies thus far but I was okay with all of the pain and discomfort because the baby and I were healthy. Well…now that’s even in question. I took my 1-hour glucose test and received a call a few days later my levels were “elevated” and I was to take the 3-hour glucose test. The 3-hour test involved 12 hours of fasting. And that included water. I could have sips but nothing more. I went to the doctor’s office the morning ater our gender reveal party. All sorts of tired and all sorts of hungry. They stick each arm 4 times and I have to endure 100 grams of glucose running through my body. That was intense. I felt better after a PB&J  I consumed in the car before leaving the hospital parking lot. Now I have to just wait. I’m guessing by tomorrow I will have a call saying “I’m sorry Mrs Wallace but it seems you have gestational diabetes and will need to see us and a specialist all these extra times before you deliver you can get really sick and die.” I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’m just trying to stay focused on healthy eating and getting my house and family back in order after our big party. It seems that whenever something good happens during this pregnancy, 2 things that put a damper on things also seem to appear. I feel defeated and am having a difficult time staying positive. The good news is I have a little girl who, despite everything, is still kicking, literally and all the time! I can’t wait to meet his new little lady.

This pregnancy is…

Different

Different from last time. When I was pregnant with Evelyn, it was a breeze. I LOVED being pregnant. I was nauseous for a good portion of my first trimester but could control it with a change in diet and frequency in eating. What does that mean? It means I ate crackers, oatmeal and bean burritos every 2 hours all day long. My second trimester I started feeling great. And having cravings. Which changed every 4-8 weeks. I wanted McNuggets, Big Macs, waffles with peanut butter and bananas, fresh fruit, steamed broccoli, Whoppers with Onion Rings, any huge cheeseburger, cereal, milk and finally pizza rolls. These were ALL of the cravings I can remember. These occurred throughout my second and third trimesters. Everything tasted good, but these things were AH-MAZE-ING. This time around I have had some cravings but it is more of things make me wanna puke so by process of elimination I will eat this today. I have been craving Big Macs again but I’m coming out of that. I did crave Chef Boyardee. Yuck. lol I was OH SO sick  in my first trimester with this baby. I couldn’t eat anything for nearly 10 weeks. It got to the point that I was given a prescription for Zofran-an anti nausea pill. It helped me be able to eat 3 square meals a day. Nothing ever sounded good, but I didn’t feel like puking every 10 minutes. It was miserable. The Zofran helped the nausea but gave me migraines and constipation you wouldn’t believe. I still get bad headaches about 4 days a week. Tylenol, the only pain reliever I can take, doesn’t touch it. With Evelyn I felt all of the aches of a growing belly around 25-28 weeks. This time it started well before 14 weeks. And has only gotten worse. I have intense pelvic pain and round ligament pains. Ever heard of an anterior placenta? No? It means that when you want to come up and touch my mound of a baby bump, you’re rubbing the nutrient-rich pillow that is the placenta and not my precious cargo. My uterus is now carrying weight differently than it remembered. And it hurts. A great deal. This pregnancy is different.

Scary

I am beyond frightened that something terrible will happen. Not just because my anxiety is out of control this time around but because I have had something painful happen. I was pregnant with my 2nd baby already. April 2012. It was an early loss but a loss nonetheless. I knew for about 5 days that I was expecting. I was freaking out. Once I started being excited, I lost the baby. I never got to see the baby. Hear the heartbeat. Feel that feeling of pregnancy in any way-good or bad. With this baby. I am excited but hesitant. I don’t want to get happy and then have something bad happen. I start to have a panic attack if I don’t feel right, or haven’t felt the baby move in a few hours, which sucks because of the anterior placenta….front positioned placenta=fewer movements felt. Too many bad things have happened to me and my family. I am scared to be happy about a good one. I want this baby so bad. No we didn’t “plan” the baby. We planned on letting nature take its course after Evelyn. That was our plan. And here we are. I miss the baby I never will meet on this earth. However, I am super excited to be carrying my rainbow baby. I just don’t feel like I can be excited out loud.

Intense

Ladies, imagine one of your worst periods (minus any cramping). Now, I want you to add on top of that incredible fatigue, a parasite, and bloating beyond anything you’ve ever experienced. Are you there? Yes? Good. Now you’re on your way to understanding this pregnancy for me. My hormones are having a field day. I am angry out of nowhere. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. I don’t want to look in the mirror because all I see is a whale looking back a me. A beached whale. I had lost 5 lbs, and then found out I was pregnant. Cue the morning sickness and unbelievable exhaustion. No more working out. I was so sick and tired that now that I can eat, I do. I should be more vigilant of what I put into my body. At this point, however, I am more concerned with baby’s health than my own. Don’t get me started on my horrible skin or my frumpy hair. You may see a glow and some luscious locks. I see acne and a mangled poof of hair. My hormones have given me drunk goggles….that work the wrong way. I’m not drunk to where I see a hot mess and think “now that’s a fine woman.” No. I have drunk to where I see every flaw and imperfection. My body issues have been magnified 100 fold.

Worth it 

In the end, all of this ickiness I am feeling will be worth it. If all pans out well, I will end up with the most perfect little person that was made out of love and will fill my heart to a whole new level I didn’t know existed. My mommy meter is already off the charts, and I’ve only seen my baby once on a black and white and grey screen. Once baby arrives, all of this pain, swinging hormones and discomfort won’t matter one bit. My journey to pregnancy hasn’t been perfect, easy or without bumps. It will be worth it. No matter how it happens, becoming a parent makes any and all struggle worth it.

Toddler in the House

Wait a minute. Wasn’t it just yesterday I brought home this tiny, crying, never sleeping newborn? No? Evelyn will be 19 months old in 8 days. Where did the time go? Now she’s no longer a baby. She’s still my baby, always will be. I have to come to the realization that she is, in fact, no longer a baby. That’s difficult. She’s a full blown toddler. She’s a kid. AHH! The next big milestones we have to look forward to besides her newly found physical freedom will be sleeping in a big girl bed and potty training. Phew. These aren’t little things anymore, people. My baby is a kid. Not a kid. A toddler.  A pull-your-hair-out, constantly saying no, scared when it is quiet, toddler. I’m not ready but it happened and now I’m glad because there is an ACTUAL baby coming and I can’t have 2 babies at once. That would be overload. So here we are. With a toddler. And it is craziness. Constant.

Father’s Day can suck my big toe

And here is why:

With Father’s Day fast approaching, I have been hesitant to look forward to it. Despite having a wonderful husband for me and a father for my daughter and my new baby on the way, I have NOT be in the mood to celebrate the male equivalent to Mother’s Day (which I celebrated with much gusto I may add!). Nick is a fantastic father. So many people have been amazed at how awesome he is with Evelyn and how wonderfully he takes care of his family. They say to me “you’re so lucky!” No. I’m not lucky. I am smart. I was quite fortunate to meet him, catch his eye and fall in love. I knew he would be an amazing husband and father. So I married him as quick as I could! I was smart, not lucky. ;) Now, on to why my poor husband and father of my children will not be getting a big celebration out of this Father’s Day. Leukemia. That is the reason. Father’s Day 2012, Nick’s first to celebrate but the last I celebrated my own father with him here. I hate it. He found out in spring 2010 that he had cancer. Not just any cancer. Leukemia. What is Leukemia? Well in short, it is a blood cancer. Your body makes blood cells within your bone marrow. Something goes wrong and your body doesn’t make proper cells. Essentially, that is the cancer. There is no mass that can be removed. It is a constantly made sickness. The only way to fix it is to wipe your bone marrow of it’s memory, so to speak, and see if it can “re-learn” how to make healthy blood cells. My dad’s bone marrow wasn’t cooperative. After 2.5 years, 2 remissions, the battle was over. It was not the outcome we anticipated or expected. And having gone through many holidays and momentous occasions without him, nothing has been as hard for me as Father’s Day is turning into. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because it was my day, as his child, to try my hardest to show him how much he meant to me. Here I am, the week before Father’s Day, and I have given up. I feel l will be going through the motions to just get through that awful and painful day. To all of the dads that are present and take an active role in their children’s lives, I thank you. You are truly a hero. To all the deadbeat dads out there that bailed on your kids or take them for granted or use them as a pawn in your sick and pathetic life, you can go away in the worst possible way. I would trade all the deadbeat dads in the universe for another day with my dad. Stop being an idiot and wake up to what you have in front of you before it’s too late. As for Father’s Day 2013. You can suck my big toe. Suck it all the way to Mexico. I couldn’t care less that you’re happening.

Oops we did it again ;)

I am pregnant! Our 2nd child is expected to arrive October 2013! It has been a crazy first trimester for sure. I have been so incredibly sick that I couldn’t function. I have been on Zofran to help with the overwhelming nausea. I am scared because I did suffer a miscarriage April 2012. I am also freaking out because Evelyn won’t even be 2 by the time this little one is to arrive! Holy cow! I will have 2 under 2. Two in diapers! Oh dear…Evelyn will be transitioning into her big girl room and her big girl bed this summer. We will be finding out the baby’s gender. HOWEVER, we will NOT be telling anyone until August 11. That will be a special day for everyone who wants to help us celebrate the impending arrival of this wonderful new addition to our family can come and party with us. The big reveal will then be made! I sure hope you can all join us! 

All of the pictures were done by one cool chick, Beka Rentfrow. You can check her out Here or here. Tell her Courtney sent you :)

Women’s intuition

Funny isn’t it? That the whole “I have a feeling” thing us women have usually pans out to the truth. I have had weird feelings and tried not to live based on those. I tried to trust people. I’ve attempted to take them at their word. When I look at the facts, my intuition and “feelings” were right all along. I don’t know if I am angry because I feel stupid that I believed lies or that I didn’t believe in myself more than the lies. I try not to hold grudges, but when I am hurt it takes a good amount of time and prayer for me to find peace. I can accept what has happened, and yet I cannot forgive nor forget. I want to make sure the person or people responsible for my pain know I’m hurt. I want to be sure they get what they deserve. I believe in justice. I want justice for my pathetic sorrows. It is a human flaw. In the end, all will face the ultimate judge and be held accountable for ALL wrongs they have done. If you have wronged someone and do not make it right, you will be held accountable in front of God. Time heals all wounds. Or so they say…for I have not encountered enough time to heal my wounds from the deception and lies I have been fed over the years by different people. Some of those people I am no longer in contact with. Others, on a regular basis. Neither path makes it easier to move on if I feel like I have not been defended. If justice, in my mind, has not been served I cannot bring myself to move on. I have always been upfront, honest. With everyone I have come in contact with. I never lie or misuse feelings for my own personal gain. I can sleep at night knowing that I have be honest and faithful in my quest for being straight up with friends and those I love. My heart allows me to love, my gut causes me to hesitate. And now, I understand why. If you ever feel as though something is amiss with someone close to you, do not ignore it. You are being warned of falsification and should demand truth and walk away. I gave truth and received lies, all for the sake of someone else feeling better about themselves. Shame.

A Change of Pace…and Heart.

As a teenager, I was always outgoing and vivacious. I loved to be loud, gaudy, have fun and just generally be the center and/or life the crowd I was in. I didn’t care who I bothered or who was trying to “upstage” me. I just wanted people to notice me and laugh with me. I wanted to make everyone happy and have a great time. As I have gotten older, I am still crazy and kooky but I am no longer shouting out for attention like I used to. I still do my “attention get-ers” in my own special way, don’t get me wrong! Now I am more reserved. More cautious to speak and act. I still don’t really care if I offend someone mainly because I try to think before I speak and before I put myself out there for criticism. So, if there comes any moment when and/or if I do offend you, don’t take it personal. I’m just being me and I already have put my opinions through a rigorous test in my mind of how it should come out. People aren’t always going to agree with you or see things the way you do. And that is where disagreements, arguments and offense can be found. But I digress. Point is, I am holding back. A TON! Too often I feel I cannot speak my true mind and heart for fear of upsetting someone around me. I guess that’s a good thing though. I wouldn’t want someone else to blurt out whatever their thinking and upset me or my family just to get their point across. God gave us the ability to think before we speak. Too many times, our society forgets the first part of that equation and just start to speak. Like the Scarecrow from the film The Wizard of Oz said “…some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don’t they?” As I time has passed, I have noticed that he was spot on…despite his head being filled with straw. I have watched people just talk for the sake of talking or hearing themselves talk to fill the silence. I realized, I didn’t want to be that person. I take pride in what I do write and say for others to read and hear. I have been given a certain amount of time and I don’t want to come to the end of that time and see that I have wasted half of my time with mindless chatter. I want what I put into the world to matter. And so, I have changed. Oh yes, I am still outgoing and lively. However, I do not want to make a spectacle of myself nor do I want to give others ammunition against me later. I don’t want to be a clown for free, ya know? I have calmed my crazy down as much as my human nature will allow. I’m alright with that. I didn’t change for anyone but myself. I just want to be taken seriously. There are occasions for which seriousness is called and I want to be able to rise to the occasion.

The lesson today?

If I have ever called you, messaged you, wrote you a note or written something on your Facebook wall directed specifically at you…feel honored. I value every word that comes from me. And every word comes from the heart. Circumstances arise and may take my spoken/written intentions and cause hurt. Know that I did not intend for that. As we are all humans, we all make mistakes. We all have faults. I just hope that everyone can learn the power of words. And chose to use that power for good.

PS-if this doesn’t make sense, I apologize. I’m quite sleepy and I don’t feel the best this evening. Thanks for reading anyhow!

Past, Present and Future

Lately, it seems as though my daily life is the same routine. I’m okay with that! I wake up when I hear “momma” yelled from down the hallway. Honestly, that is the BEST alarm clock I could ask for. Maybe I should record it for when she grows up and moves out. I keep busy with the day to day workings of a toddler, a home, a dog and a husband to keep up with. Doesn’t leave much time for other things it seems. But there are moments, quiet moments, when the past creeps up on me. Whether it be in a phone call from someone I haven’t heard from in what seems like forever, or just a funny memory that pops into my mind. I must confess that those are few and far between. Unfortunately I am stuck on one pretty decent sized past event that feels like another lifetime but hasn’t been that terribly long ago. February marks a difficult month for a few people closest to me, including me. And I don’t want to sit around and be sad. It is the first time I will have to deal with my father’s absence from his birthday and his and my mom’s anniversary. But I have decided I do not want to approach it that way. I want to step up and do something for others. Even if it means I spend the day writing letters to mail out to people. Or putting in those phone calls I’ve been meaning to make. I want to reach out. I don’t want to shut down. To think about the past and what my dad will be missing out on makes me sad, but it forces me to think beyond the here and now. It helps me to remember that I still have many tomorrows to write in my history book. Many exciting things lay ahead of me, my friends, my family. I want to be present for them. Not stuck on the past. I will always think of my dad. Every day. I will think of my cousin. Every day. They weren’t supposed to leave me yet. Unfortunately, they did. Thinking of them both helps me to feel comfortable and confident in the fact that I have decided to approach the difficult days in a positive way. I mourn in my time, when I need to. Right now, I feel I need to celebrate the life I have. I need to live it to the fullest. The past has happened. It is over. Today is nearly finished. I will never get any of those moments back. Living in the moment, taking it all in has become my victor over grief. Hopeful for the future. Many bright days ahead. Easy? No. I would never expect them to be. I will, however, keep on keeping on. Not just going through the motions, but actually living them. It is the only way I will want to continue to get out of bed every day. It is my way. Not the right way. MY right way…for now.